Now I’ve heard it all. For the goon who’s totally clueless when it comes to women, here’s the ultimate bad gift on Valentine’s Day. May I introduce to you The Pizza Hut $10,010 Engagement Package. This is for the man who wants to ask his girlfriend to be his bride, yet thinks the best way to do this is over a Pizza Hut $10 Dinner Box. Because let’s face it, champagne, chocolates, and a romantic dinner where you actually use a fork to eat your meal are just so overrated.

And let’s not overlook the fact that if your sweetie can afford to get you something that costs $10,010, why the hell would he look to Pizza Hut? For that price he could literally fly you to Paris for that romantic dinner and pay Nicholas Sarkozy himself to hide your diamond among the croissants. True, The Pizza Hut $10,010 Engagement Package does include your own personal fireworks display, but somehow I suspect this is just geek speak for sparklers and cherry bombs that were stolen from a roadside fireworks stand in Pahrump, Nevada.

And why is the cost the odd amount of $10,010, as opposed to an even ten grand? Because that extra ten bucks is to cover the cost of the Pizza Hut Dinner Box, silly. Pizza Hut can’t be expected to absorb such a delightful, romantic meal, especially when they’re throwing in cinnamon sticks and a ruby engagement ring. And it’s no mistake the ruby ring conveniently matches the sauce on the pizza, thus making it easy to hide the ring in the pizza for a surprise proposal. Which hopefully comes before the bride-to-be chips her tooth when she eats the slice with the ring, or worse yet nearly chokes to death on it. Let’s just pray that Bubba Boy knows the heimlich maneuver.

Hmm. I guess receiving bargain bin flowers and chocolates don’t sound so bad, even if they were bought last minute at Rite Aid.

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Stacy Dymalski is a stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage.

For more of Stacy’s comedy check out her hilarious book Confessions of a Band Geek Mom available in paperback and on Kindle on Amazon.com.