Closet organizers are not really my forte. For me closets have traditionally been a place to hide a mess until I can get to it later. Which is never. After a while I’m afraid to go into any closet in my house because I worry an errant glove might’ve mated with an abandoned Whoopee Cushion, resulting in a demented love child capable of slapping you silly.

Yesterday my hometown of Park City had the first snow of the season. Fall officially started a mere few days ago, so I’m not exactly thrilled. Technically, we’re barely on the heels of summer, so I still should be hiking in the hills around my neighborhood, NOT contemplating skiing them.

But nevertheless you can’t arm wrestle Mother Nature. So off I went to do battle with my closets in search of winter coats and other cold weather paraphernalia. Geez, what a mess. In addition to finding things I’d lost and given up on long ago (hello toy accordion and SpongeBob Square Pants pillow) I also found seven gloves (none of them mates to each other), dirty ski socks from last winter (they could practically walk out of the closet by themselves), and a Bocce Ball set that I bought last spring but never opened because I forgot it was in there.

My crap seriously needs to come out of the closet.

A 12-step program in organization would be nice, but unfortunately I’m not organized enough to remember to go to 12 meetings 12 weeks in a row.

So instead I’ll do the next best thing; make a list. Yes, that’s right. When in doubt I make a list outlining what I should do, and then mentally sit on that list for a while. It’s a great way to stay busy, which is just a fancy word for procrastination. Po-tay-toe, po-tah-toe.

Stacy’s Closet Organizing Tips for Busy Moms

1. Buy or rent a home without closets. That way you can never fill non-existent closets up with junk.

   

2. Have a fire sale, complete with real fire. Sell tickets to allow people to come over to your house and watch you burn your closet junk in a big bonfire in your driveway. Police and fire department intervention may apply.
3. Charge your family members a rental fee for use of closet space. To be safe, install a coin-operated lock on the closet door.
4. Turn your walk-in closet into a guest bedroom. Added bonus: Out-of-town relatives will finally stop pestering you about how you never invite them out for a visit.
5. Buy only small stuff. Then you can cram twice as much crap into the same closet space.
6. Alphabetize the stuff in your closet. Nothing says, “I got it all under control,” like being able to immediately put your hands on something you haven’t touched in the last 10 years.

   

7. Stop watching the Home Shopping channel. You don’t need to buy a Panini Press at two o’clock in the morning after pounding down two pints of Cherry Garcia. Even though a Panini Press would look great in your bulging closet right next to that George Foreman Grill you’ve never taken out of the box. Just put the phone down and go to bed.
8. Set up a life size cutout of Martha Stewart in your closet. If you see that smug face glaring at you every time you open the closet door, eventually you’ll stop opening the closet door. (Which means you’ll quit filling it up with stuff you should be throwing away.)
9. Take everything out of your closet and put it in your garage. When you can’t park your car in the garage anymore, burn down the garage. (See intervention warning in list item #2.)
10. Disregard items 1 through 9 and seek out professional closet organizers. Let’s face it if you’re like me, your brain just doesn’t have time to sort out where the kids’ boots go in relation to the vacuum cleaner. I really don’t care. But if someone will fill me in on that little golden nugget of knowledge, then I’m on it.

But until then, I’m shifting my focus to garage organization. Now that the snow has started to fly I need to dig out the snowblower, which is buried beneath a pile of Christmas lights and empty wine bottles that I should take to the recycling center sometime soon. But since I can still park two cars in my garage I’m not going to worry too much about the mess that defines my garage. Except for the fact that I can’t get to the cars.

Details. I hate ‘em.

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Stacy Dymalski is an award winning keynote speaker and stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage. For more of Stacy’s comedy check out her book Confessions of a Band Geek Mom available in bookstores and on Amazon in paperback and Kindle.