Originally published on August 8, 2014, under the title “Koozie Worthy LIfe Events,” I’m reposting this because for some reason it wasn’t sent to all my followers. And of course, my followers follow because they don’t want to miss a single post! I apologize if you received this twice. (Please let me know if that was the case. Technical difficulties resolved, I hope.) And if it DID grace your inbox twice, consider it your double lucky day!
–SD

I have reason to be happy today. I just got the report that my mammogram came back normal. That might not be a big deal to you (especially if you’re a guy), but I’ve had some related health scares in the past, so it’s always a bit of a nail-biter when my annual “boob bash” rolls around. Plus, I have several dear, close friends who have either fought the good fight (and fortunately, won) or ones who are embarking on the battle as we speak.

As a result, every year I “pass” I feel like that’s one more bullet I’ve miraculously dodged.

To commend myself on a job well done, I came home and

poured myself a glass of wine from a really good bottle that I was saving for a special occasion. At first I wasn’t going to waste such primo vino on myself, but then I thought, Why the hell not? Honestly, what constitutes a reason for salutation? If we can celebrate the birth (and death) of Christ some two millennium after the fact, why can’t we raise a thankful glass in honor of personal milestones that keep us firmly planted above ground for at least another year?

I had to believe I wasn’t the only one who subscribed to such progressive thinking. But just to be sure I did what I always do when in doubt. I googled it.

And here’s what I found out.

A Doozie of a Koozie

There is a “holiday” every day of the year. Take August, for example. This month is not only National Bystander Month, but also National Goat Cheese Month. Which shouldn’t be overshadowed by Tomboy Tools Month or Single Working Women’s Week (also both in August). On a daily basis we get to celebrate Spiderman Day (August 1), National Garage Sale Day (August 9), as well as Bad Poetry Day and Birth Control Pills Day (both on August 18—which makes sense, actually, since bad, drunken poetry often leads to the need for birth control pills).

I decided there’s no reason why I couldn’t come up with my own raison pour faire la fête. So order a custom koozie or two, people, and get ready to par-tay. Based upon my experiences I’ve come up with these fine reasons to raise a ruckus.

Happy “Manternity” Day

This is when your husband offers his exposed beer belly as a “stand-in” for those god-awful naked pregnancy pictures your “enlightened” friends insist you should take. (Who originally thought that up, BTW? Probably the same genius that decided videotaping Junior’s world debut was a good idea.) Manternity Day is definitely cause to celebrate because it saves you from having to expose your overstretched abdomen to a world of strangers who can’t wait to judge. Because let’s face it. You’re not Demi Moore. And that stunt only works if you’ve been hanging with your Hollywood trainer starting week one of popping your bun in the oven.

Happy “Last-kid-starts-first-grade” Day

(Renamed “Back-to-school” Day every year after that.) Celebrated on that magical first day you get to drop the kids off for free, all-day childcare, er, I mean school. Now you can finally go to breakfast with the other neighborhood moms and have a Mimosa with your spinach omelet because you don’t have to be back on your game until 3:30 when the kids get home.

Happy “My-32-year-old child finally moved-out” Day

Hallelujah! At last you get that sewing room of which you’ve always dreamt. Unfortunately, it’s been such a long time coming you can’t see your way to that dream any longer…mainly because age has unfortunately stolen your vision (both literally and metaphorically). So you decide to be practical and rent the room out instead. But hey, at least this guy pays a lease.

Happy “Bank-error-in-my-favor” Day

Now you can take care of the light bill this month. Good times.

Happy “Someone-hit-my-parked-car-and-totaled-it” Day

At first this sounds horrendous, until you reveal that the victim vehicle in question was a 1991 Chevy Blazer that long overstayed its purpose on the planet. Consider it a mercy killing of a car that had to go on life support every time you drove it up the equivalent of an anthill. Thank goodness you made that last life, …er I mean, CAR insurance payment.
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Stacy Dymalski is an award winning keynote speaker and stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage. For more of Stacy’s comedy check out her book Confessions of a Band Geek Mom available in bookstores and on Amazon in paperback and Kindle.