Home loan services is an oxymoronic joke, in which the laughable punch line is “service.” It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, so let me fill you in on what’s been taking up all my time. I refinanced my house this week. And when I say “this week” I mean I started this process back in early June and just finally signed papers LAST THURSDAY.

Yes, you heard that right. It took a bank three months to decide if I make enough money to lower my monthly payment by one third for a house I’ve been living in for 17 years. Because obviously, the wealthier I am THE LOWER my house payment should be. If it had turned out that I didn’t make enough to qualify for the smaller house payment, then by all means I should be forced to live with my currently bloated 6% interest rate, which results in higher payments.

Because we all know that when money’s tight you deserve higher house payments. It only makes sense.

To an imbecile, that is.

What’s Up With Home Loan Services?

I understand why we need a vetting process when providing home loan services. For cryin’ out loud, it used to be if you had a pulse, banks would happily hand you half a mil, and then prance off to the next warm body. Which is how the U.S. ended up with a Standard & Poor credit rating that resembles Tiger Woods’ golf score. However, when average, law-abiding citizens use home loan services to find a new loan so they can stay in houses they already live in, common sense should prevail.

As I said, I’ve lived in this house for 17 years, never missed a payment, never even been late, and have owned other properties previous to this one. I have a credit score well into the 700s, never defaulted on a loan, and my house has almost been paid for TWICE.

Yet, I’m self-employed, so thanks to upright pillars of society such as Bernie Madoff, the big wigs at Goldman Sachs, Alan Greenspan, and just about any bank executive on Wall Street, being self-employed now automatically makes me a criminal when seeking the help of home loan services. This means in addition to submitting my W-2s and last three years tax returns to qualify for a new home loan, I also have to hand over a stool sample, one of my offspring, and give up my left big toe. I told them to hell with that. I’m keeping all my toes.

Home Loan Services Go All Jabberwocky

Okay, maybe it wasn’t QUITE that bad, but consider this. When I gave the lender my tax returns AND signed a paper that says the lender can verify my returns with the IRS… AND gave the lender my state corporate ID number (I’m an s-corp)… AND gave the lender a copy of my corporate license… AND gave the lender copies of all my bank statements for the last four months, the lender STILL wanted proof that I was self-employed.

Like what?” I asked. “Ben Bernake’s fingerprints and the secret combination to the Federal Reserve’s home loan services safe?”
“A letter from your CPA that confirms you’re self-employed,” the lender replied.
“I don’t have a CPA. I do my own taxes.” I countered.
“We need confirmation from a reliable source that you really are self-employed.”
Now I was really confused. “A reliable source like…the IRS?”
“Besides the IRS.”
“You don’t trust the IRS?” Good golly, talk about the definition of irony.
“It’s too easy to dupe the IRS.”
“Oh. So instead you’ll trust a letter from someone you’ve never heard of who claims to be a CPA that knows my business?”
“Yes. Can you get that to us?”
“Uh…sure. Just give a moment to do a Google search…”
“Sounds good. Fax that over when you can.”

Yes, these new and improved home loan services are much better (she said, sarcastically). And will definitely ensure that people don’t defraud innocent mortgage companies. It reminds me of when The Red Queen says to Alice in Lewis Carroll’s Through the Looking Glass, “It takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place.”

In the end, I got my house refinanced (in spite of home loan services standing in my way), but only because I had a GREAT mortgage broker who really went to bat for me—several times—even when it looked like all hope was lost. Honestly, I haven’t seen that kind of tenacious financial chutzpah since Donald Trump convinced NBC to bankroll The Apprentice.

So if you live anywhere in Utah, and you’re looking to refinance your home (or buy a new one), I strongly suggest you call Eileen Kintner at Cornerstone Home Mortgage in Park City, UT, for ALL your home loan services. Unless you’re trying to refinance from prison, I’m fairly certain she can find a loan you qualify for AND cut through all the bureaucratic red tape on your behalf so you can secure that loan. At the very least she’ll run interference between you and the Red Queen. Trust me, with the economic kerfuffle our country is currently in there are several “Red Queens” running around out there. And unfortunately, they all seem to trickle down to our level when it comes to financing a home.

Not the kind of trickle down effect I was hoping for.

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Stacy Dymalski is an award winning keynote speaker and stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage.

For more of Stacy’s comedy check out her hilarious book Confessions of a Band Geek Mom available in paperback and on Kindle on Amazon.com.