Mayan Calendar Means I Don’t Have to Shop for Christmas

Mayan Calendar
I’ll take my Gary Larsen desk calendar over this thing any day!

In less than a week the 5,126-year Mayan calendar ends. No fanfare, no “Thanks for playing, here’s your parting gift,” no last-minute instructions, it just ends. Which has led some to believe that the world will end with it. I find this particularly interesting because our western civilization calendar ends every year on December 31, and yet I still have bills to pay in January. Just because my Gary Larsen desk calendar runs out of pages after 12 months doesn’t mean time runs out, as well. It just means I need to buy a new calendar.

Even though a few nut jobs think the end of the Mayan calendar signals the apocalypse, I suspect the real reason the Mayan calendar ends on December 21, 2012, is because the Mayans simply became extinct before they had a chance to renew their calendars. Being an advanced culture, they had the foresight to print up calendars 5,126 years at a time. But because they were also a peaceful bunch easily pushed around by the Spanish explorers that marauded their community, they only had time to do one printing.

Had the Mayans known the end of their world was coming, they might’ve planned a little better.

The Perks of the Mayan Calendar Ending

I have to admit there is some comfort in believing the Mayan calendar dictates the world will end on December 21, 2012. For example, you could save tons of money on Christmas shopping. And as far as I’m concerned I’d get a free pass on my property taxes. And those phone calls that I’ve been meaning to return? Done. Without ever having to pick up a phone. Although I would have to get a wiggle on and watch all those back episodes of Downton Abbey and Family Guy I’ve been meaning to get to on Netflix and Hulu Plus. I guess nothing is ever without some stress. Even the end of the world has its urgencies.

Forget the Mayan Calendar, Here’s Better Proof

But seriously, if we’re looking for signs that the future is askew, I don’t think we need to turn to an ancient calendar that simply ran out of papyrus, or whatever the heck it was written on. Not when there are so many other signs of a crumbling civilization. This year alone brought several greatest hits that indicate the end might be near. Namely…

  1. That a show like Here Comes Honey Boo Boo could be programmed on, of all things, The Learning Channel (let alone programmed at all).
  2. Mayan calendar
    Oh good lord, just shoot me now
  3. More people recognize Colonel Sander’s face than that of Barack Obama.
  4. A gallon of gas costs more than a gallon of milk.
  5. Nobody can seem to muzzle Donald Trump.
  6. World hunger has decreased, but Type 2 Diabetes is on the rise.
  7. Someone sat down and figured out how to make a Tofurkey, non-alcoholic beer, and genetically modified vegetables, but we still can’t cure cancer.
  8. Fifty Shades of Grey was the highest grossing book of 2012.
  9. The Kardashians. That’s all. Just the Kardashians.
  10. A college education can take a lifetime to pay off.
  11. People value free Wi-Fi and $5 cups of coffee more than free parking, ATMs, or public restrooms.
  12. Texting and Twitter are the new art of conversation.
  13. Mayan calendar
    Now this is the kind of zombie I like!
  14. My kid can’t explain why he’s pulling a D in French, yet an elephant in South Korea can speak Korean.

Honestly, who needs a Mayan calendar to tell us we’re screwed? If all that doesn’t add up to an impending apocalypse then I don’t know what does.

But just to be safe, I’m going forward as if my kids were expecting their Christmas stockings filled with crap they don’t need and my mortgage company were expecting a payment on January 1.

So if I see any Mayan calendar related zombies emerge next Friday that are not in the form of a Bicardi Rum cocktail at a holiday party, then I’m going to be pretty pissed off that I paid my property taxes early this year.

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Stacy Dymalski is an award winning keynote speaker and stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage.

For more of Stacy’s comedy check out her hilarious book Confessions of a Band Geek Mom available in paperback and on Kindle on