With that whole cul-de-snatch business settled, one of my readers suggested we give men the same eloquent treatment. I couldn’t agree more. Julie (the aforementioned reader) wrote a comment on my last blog post that said, “Okay, Stacy – now that you have ‘coochie’ covered, I’d love to hear your thoughts on better names for the One-Eyed Monster.” Well, Julie, I never thought about it, but upon further investigation on the web I found out that there are more names for a man’s junk than there are aliases for Tony Soprano.
Why is this NOT a shocker?
Men, in general, are very proud of their “Wrinklebeasts”. So it’s no surprise that they pay tribute to their most treasured body part by giving it monikers like “Kaptain Kielbasa” or “The Third Arm of Justice”. However, what I find interesting is that, unlike women, men bestow nicknames upon their darling little appendages NOT because they can’t bring themselves to say the anatomically correct word, but rather because they think their “Chief of Staff “deserves to be raised to the status of a proper noun.
Women, on the other hand, come up with their vaginal nom de plumes because they have trouble articulating that word. Especially when men are around or if they have to explain the facts of life to a second-grader who came home from school with questions because he heard the word “blowjob” on the playground.
In other words, women word-map their private parts as a shy and modest exercise. But for men it’s pride in the name of love (for their “wangdoodles”, that is).
Men Need Their Own Word, Too!
Not to be outdone, I decided to jump into this anatomical name game full bore and give men an appropriate new handle for their, um…handles. As you know (if you read my blog), I’ve already rechristened women’s coochies to the more aptly labeled cul-de-snatch. So in the interest of the Equal Rights Amendment, I think we should now rename a man’s “power prawn” to the “dipwick”.
Here’s my strategy on this.
Everyone knows the “skin flute” is naturally shaped like a wick, but its function is to dip. Now you may think that such logic dictates that it should be called the “wickdip”, instead. True that, however, “dipwick” rolls trippingly off the tongue, whereas “wickdip” is kind of hard to say. And besides, “dipwick” sounds a lot like “dipshit”, which gives “dipwick” a satisfying power punch when you use it to address some asshole who just cut you off in traffic.
And as an added bonus, both “dipwick” and “dipshit” have similar connotations, so if you accidentally misused either word in conversation, you wouldn’t sound like a dipshit…or a dipwick (see how well that works?). Unlike if you confuse the words vulva and Volvo, as Cindy, another one of my readers, pointed out in her comment on my previous blog post. She writes, “While you are renaming, would you also work on the other words down in coochieland? Vulva and Volvo sound too much alike. I learned that when I was teaching my young son all the correct anatomical terms. I stopped teaching those terms when he started talking about his favorite car at church.”
I’d never thought about it, but vulva and Volvo do sound so much alike that men could get into a lot of trouble if they truly didn’t know the difference (verbally, I mean; let’s hope they know the difference physically). Could you imagine a wife’s response if her husband innocently confused her nether regions with his car?
“Honey, I think it’s time for a trade-in. I’m going to go out today and test drive some new Vulvas. I’m tired of ridin’ around in that same old, used one. It takes forever for it to warm up, which is so frustrating if you’re in a hurry. And unless you keep moving, it stalls…even if you stop just for a second to answer your phone. Honestly, that old Vulva’s performance has been so lousy lately that I—”
At this point he’d stop talking because the frying pan that suddenly came in contact with his head would render him unconscious.
Anyway, getting back to my point, my new literary concoction, “dipwick”, is the perfect pseudonym to describe a man’s “Jack Kerouwacker”. It certainly makes more sense than “dick”, which immediately slams any poor dude who was unfortunate enough to be crowned Richard. Unless this particular Richard is a jerk who happens to be swinging some serious pipe…in which case he’s earned the right to be called (a major) Dick.
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Stacy Dymalski is a stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage.
For more of Stacy’s comedy check out her hilarious book Confessions of a Band Geek Mom available in paperback and on Kindle on Amazon.com.