As I’ve mentioned in previous blog posts, in the past I’ve been commissioned by a couple of matchmaking websites to write about the hilarity that ensues in the world of online dating. I wrote a few funny articles on the subject (from an outsider’s perspective), but when it came down to actually signing up and documenting my escapades, I drew the line.

I’ve never done online dating, and frankly I’m not ready to jump into the fray. But even if I were, it just seems a little too weird to be lining up dates as part of my job. Yeah, yeah, I know Gloria Steinem went undercover as a Playboy Bunny back in the day, and then wrote about it. But personally I don’t want to waste time meeting guys who “…enjoy taking long walks on the beach…or to the liquor store…” all for the sake of a joke. I  find plenty of comedy in everyday life without going to extremes, thank you very much.

However, in the course of this brief journey I did get the chance to interview several women who do engage in online dating on a regular basis. When I asked them what was the most unexpected thing that happened on a first date with a guy they met online, I got everything from “He took me to his mother’s funeral,” to “We flew to New York to see Book of Mormon, then went to the Saturday Night Live after-party.” (Needless to say, the latter woman is now married to this rare gem.)

But the one complaint I consistently heard from my interviewees is that at some point during the first date, a fair share of their gentlemen callers decided it was a good idea to…um…how can I put this and still keep it a family show…flash them their junk.

Yes, apparently quite a few men out there think part of the getting-to-know-you process involves dropping trou, as if he were proudly showing off his shiny new Camaro, or more apropos, his Beanie Baby collection. This usually occurred after the lady returned from taking a call or going to the restroom. Because as we all know, using the phone or washing one’s hands is every woman’s idea of foreplay.

Turning Lemons Into Lemonade

After being enlightened by my new online dating lady friends, I got to thinking (which is always a dangerous thing). In the name of full disclosure, what’s wrong with letting a man show you his jumblies on the first date? In fact, I think it should be a requirement within the first few minutes of meeting. Because if he’s planning on over-sharing three hours into the date anyway, why waste time? Instead, make it part of the deal right up front, so you know full well what you’re getting. I know that sounds a bit shocking, but stick with me through my logic before you push me off that chastity bridge our mothers built in an attempt to keep us fully clothed until marriage.

Let’s Deconstruct

When a man meets a lady he pretty much knows what he’s getting in terms of her anatomy. Even when she’s dressed he can tell how big her breasts are, her hip size, basically the entire shape of her body.

Men’s bodies, however, come in a one-size-fits-all model until you look under the hood. And if you subscribe to your mama’s dogma (“A good girl does NOT put out on the first date”) it could take several dates before you get around to seeing the equipment a guy has to work with. And if that equipment is subpar, well…let’s be honest, that could be a deal-breaker.

Except by then you’ve invested all that time (in terms of dates) leading up to the moment of disappointment, er…I mean truth. Time, I might add, that you will never get back. And worse yet, you’re suddenly forced to ask yourself, Am I a nice, enlightened, evolved enough person to overlook this guy’s shortcomings, or do I politely dump his ass in favor of someone who might actually be able to rock my world?

Back to the Online Dating Ladies

Ninety percent of the women in my online dating poll chose the latter option, but each admitted she’d come up with some lame excuse in order to skirt the truth. Not surprisingly the other 10% were women under the age of 35 (most in their twenties). Obviously, they hadn’t endured enough disappointment yet to realize that charity and sex don’t mix. The older women, however, were all in the camp of, “Oh, hell no.” As one 40-something lady succinctly put it, “I’m done driving VW Beetles. From here on out I’m riding shotgun in nothing less than a muscle car.” And just to show how serious she was her online dating user ID was “Trans Am Ready.”

Is He Sponge-worthy?

The idea of women vetting men for their sexual prowess is nothing new. In Season 7 of Seinfeld there was an episode entitled “The Sponge” in which Elaine’s favorite form of birth control is taken off the market. As a result, she buys up every last vaginal sponge in New York, then uses her stockpile so judiciously she interviews potential lovers before she even dates them to make sure they’re sponge-worthy.

Using Elaine as inspiration, why not get down to brass tacks on ANY first date? Once you exchange pleasantries online, meet the guy at Starbucks for chitchat over Chai lattes. If that goes well both of you head to the restroom where he proudly displays his manhood in all its glory. If you like what you see declare him sponge-worthy, set up a date for Friday, and let nature take its course. However, if after seeing his full regalia you envision him trying to pick a lock with a piece of uncooked spaghetti, respectfully tell him, “I’m sorry, your attributes don’t quite measure up to my needs, but thanks for trying. Good luck with your future endeavors.”

Then shake his hand and get the hell out of there, knowing that’s one less uncomfortable conversation you’ll have to have three or four dates down the road…giving you valuable extra time to do really important things like oil your wood floors or trim your Bonsai bush.

You’re welcome.

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Stacy Dymalski is the host of the hilarious TV talk show “Mother Bloggers” on FirstRun.tv. She’s also an award winning keynote speaker and stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage.

For more of Stacy’s comedy check out her book Confessions of a Band Geek Mom available in bookstores and on Amazon in paperback and Kindle.