This morning I decided to shave my legs in the shower, and miraculously I didn’t sever an artery. But afterward I noticed a pile of hair swirling in my tub that was big enough to knit a sweater for a Siberian Husky, which made me wonder, “When did I last shave my legs?”
Let me think about this. I did go to a formal event last week where I actually had to put on a nice dress. In fact, I was the emcee. However, I wore tall boots and opaque, black tights, so the forest on my gams was fashionably concealed. Which came in handy because it was about five degrees that night, and nothing keeps you warmer than a layer of your own fur. Except maybe Gortex. But last I checked Donna Karan doesn’t make Gortex tights.
So I did not shave my legs then.
The last big thing I attended before that was the Sundance Film Festival. But since Hollywood comes to Park City with the expectation of slumming it in their Uggs and puffy Kenneth Cole jackets, there was no way I was going to spring $5.97 at Rite Aid for a new four-blade razor. Why bother? Especially since the last one I bought a mere six months ago (probably) still works. Besides, there’s that need for organic legwarmers again, ’cause it’s even colder in January.
And before that we had the whole, crazy holiday season. But I made a pact with myself a long time ago that I would not shave my legs between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day, because it’s just too hectic during that time. In order to make the holidays happen around here some things have to temporarily go by the wayside, like laundry, cooking, cleaning toilets, and of course, shaving my legs. I mean, come on, let’s get our priorities straight, people.
To Shave My Legs or Not, That is the Question
So that got me wondering, what are the criteria under which I, a busy mom, must shave my legs? Well, it really falls into one of three categories:
- I don’t need to, so I won’t
- I should, so maybe I will
- I must, or I’ll look like a freak
Let me break it down for you:
HOW TO DECIDE WHEN TO SHAVE MY LEGS
I don’t need to, so I won’t
I should, so maybe I will
I must, or I look like a freak
|None of my shorts fit anymore||I have my annual girl-exam today and the doctor is hot||I’m going to Hawaii or Palm Springs|
|I can actually remember the last time I shaved my legs||I’ll be trying on clothes in the communal dressing room at Loehmanns’s||I’m getting into a hot tub with other people|
|The winter solstice has passed||Santa left a razor in my Christmas stocking||I might have sex with someone other than myself|
|Leggings are back in style||Just read “How to Wax Your Legs” on eHow.com and was momentarily inspired||An esthetician offers to “manscape” my legs for free|
|It’s Sunday||My leg hair is so long I have to tame it with barrettes||Bradley Cooper invites me to the Oscars as his date|
Hmm. Now that I look at the data, I have to ask myself, “Why the hell did I shave my legs today?” We still have three months of snow left and last I heard Bradley Cooper was taking his mom to the Oscars. Oh well. Now my legs are good at least until Labor Day.
Which gives me plenty of time to psych myself up for a bikini wax.
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Stacy Dymalski is the host of the hilarious TV talk show “Mother Bloggers” on FirstRun.tv. She’s also an award winning keynote speaker and stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage.
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