Over the long holiday weekend I tried to get caught up on all the blogs I follow. In doing so, I read one that I loved so much I just had to rip off the entire concept by posting a similar blog of my own. It’s from a consistently hysterical mommy blog called Jenny from the Blog at The Suburban Jungle. If you don’t follow it you should. The blog tagline says it all: Jenny from the Blog is like comedy crack, but more addictive and less wacked.
Anyway, Jenny posted a Thanksgiving Day blog called 16 Things I’m Ashamed to Admit I’m Thankful For. Her justification for such an unconventional list is that it should go without saying that we’re all thankful for family, friends, healthy kids, a nice home, and a Starbucks on every corner. Therefore, why be trite when being honest is much more interesting? Come on, people, you know as well as I do we all breath a sigh of relief when that police car with the flashing red lights in your rearview mirror suddenly zips by and unexpectedly pulls over the guy in front of you. That’s the kind of thing you’re really thankful for…especially if you’ve just come from a holiday party where the signature drink was something that resembles a Long Island Iced Tea dressed up in Christmas drag.
My Crazy Thankful List
So even though Thanksgiving was last week (yes, I’m late, as usual), here is my own list of 16 things I’m ashamed to admit I’m thankful for.
- I’m thankful for shape wear, so I look like I have the body I should’ve been born with…at least when I have clothes on.
- I’m thankful for caller ID. If I really don’t want to talk to you, I shouldn’t have to. (No offense.)
- I’m thankful for cute shoes that actually fit, because when my feet hurt I am such a bitch.
- I’m thankful for Hulu, Netflix online, and Amazon Prime. Last I checked the First Amendment says I can watch whatever I want on TV, especially if the FCC has already approved it. But not if you live in Utah. The Salt Lake City NBC affiliate has banned the new TV show The New Normal for being what the affiliate considers “inappropriate programming.” But I can still watch it on Hulu Plus. And I do.
- I’m thankful I dumped my cable/satellite subscription, thus saving me over $1,000 a year. And I get to watch all the “inappropriate programming” I want.
- I’m thankful for that first sip of my morning latte. Yes, coffee is my drug of choice, and to feed my addiction I have a big, beautiful latte machine. Think of it as my unnecessary, midlife crisis motorcycle…except it costs thousands of dollars less and I can’t accidentally kill myself on it.
- I’m thankful for my big-ass, multi-horse powered snow blower. Without that baby you wouldn’t see me between November and April, because I’d never be able to leave the house (which happens to be planted at 6,900 feet above sea level).
- I’m thankful my teenagers will still occasionally watch TV with me, even if it’s only when all their friends are busy.
- I’m thankful those same teenagers still want to do the chocolate Advent calendars every December, even though they (the teenagers, not the calendars) tower over six feet tall and are in high school.
- I’m thankful my frontload washer has hand wash and dry clean settings, so I don’t have throw away my hand washables and dry cleaning after they get dirty.
- I’m thankful for my e-reader (in my case, a Kindle) so that my brain doesn’t go numb if I get stuck in some boring, bureaucratic black hole like the DMV…or church.
- I’m thankful I have a job that I can do in my underwear, but doesn’t involve cheesy music or skanky businessmen stuffing dollar bills down my G-string.
- I’m thankful I don’t own a G-string. At my age wearing one just looks like you’re trying to hold two lumpy loaves of bread together with a couple of ill-placed rubber bands. (Come on, ladies, let’s get real.)
- I’m thankful for Costco, because who knew boys could eat so much cereal?
- I’m thankful Trey Parker and Matt Stone produced The Book of Mormon, because now the entire nation gets my Mormon jokes.
- And finally, I’m thankful for my electric blanket. It keeps me warm at night without snoring like a drunken grizzly bear or leaving the toilet seat up.
That’s my dirty laundry. What are your guilty pleasures that keep you going in life?
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Stacy Dymalski is an award winning keynote speaker and stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage.
For more of Stacy’s comedy check out her hilarious book Confessions of a Band Geek Mom available in paperback and on Kindle on Amazon.com.