Wedding Gifts Gone Wild

Next year’s garage sale fodder

I just got invited to the wedding of a close friend that I’ve known since college. She’s also a comedian, in fact, we met in the comedy clubs of San Francisco, back when I was just starting out.

Since she lives out-of-state I probably won’t go to her wedding. But just so people like me can still participate in all the glory leading up to her nuptials she included links (in her wedding e-vite) to her wedding webpage, as well as to her bridal registry on The Knot. She even added a link to her PayPal account just in case anyone wants to give cash instead of going to all the trouble of clicking on a gift from her long list, which includes everything from a Sears Craftsman power drill to bedroom toys with names like Nympho Niagra, G-Wiz, Like a Virgin, and Time in a Bottle. (I can see why a guest might want to give cash instead. How weird would it be for your grandma to get you a little boudoir gadget called “The Hummer”?)

So What’s Your Problem With Her Wedding?

I find none of this odd, given that we now live in a digital age in which you have to express your intellect in 140 characters or less with the use of emoticons, hashtags, and cerebral acronyms like LMFAO. No, what bugs me about this is that she’s making such a big deal out of her wedding even though it’s her THIRD marriage.

Far be it from me to judge…but I will. So let’s get started.

Everything was flowing back then; the dresses and the booze

Lord knows I’ve screwed up more of my own romantic relationships than a black widow spider. And I certainly applaud anyone who can find love again after getting out of an unhealthy marriage. But honestly, do we all have to restock your new household every time you set up shop?

I did attend my friend’s first wedding, way back in the 80s. It was a trendy, hippy-dippy affair in the Haight District of San Francisco. And even though the bridesmaids wore Gunne Sax dresses that looked like they belonged on the cover of a Stevie Nicks album, she wasn’t all that Earth Mama underneath. She still registered for some pricey schwag at Nieman Marcus and I. Magnin (which was a high-end Bay Area department store that has since gone under). If I remember correctly I got her one dinner plate, which set me back $75 (a fortune at the time). I’ve yet to eat dinner off that plate at her house.

Wedding Bell Blues

Marriage #1 broke up shortly after my friend was cast as a recurring character on a popular sitcom. The end came due to the show’s hair and make-up girl. Apparently the gal was doing more than hair and make-up—she was also doing my friend’s husband.

Five years later my friend tied the knot again, this time to a mortgage broker who had nothing to do with the entertainment industry. That wedding was also a big shindig, but this time with a whole new cast of characters, because it was his first marriage. Of course, she paid for it, so it had all the glitz of Hollywood with all the name recognition of a Century 21.

Tell me you can’t live without these!

I couldn’t go to that wedding, since it was in Los Gatos (near Santa Cruz) and I lived in L.A. at the time. BUT I did buy her a set of crystal knife rests from Gumps (yet another defunct fancy Bay Area store), right after the saleslady explained to me what the heck knife rests were (Google it).

That marriage actually lasted 12 years, but finally ended because Hubby #2 got tired of playing second banana to his wife’s big, established personality. He was always referred to as Mr. Her-Last-Name, or asked to take coats and refill drinks at cocktail parties, even if they weren’t at his house. The entertainment world treated him like her lackey, so finally Marriage #2 went south when Husband #2 also went south (to Mexico) with their neighbor’s nanny.

Third Time’s a Charm(ing Rich Guy)

Which brings us to today. Husband-to-be #3 is a retired record producer, and I have no doubt he’s a keeper. However, he’s a bit older than her (hence, the Time in a Bottle “ointment” as a potential wedding gift) and he’s been married before. So why the heck don’t they just elope on some unchartered Caribbean island where they can have hot monkey sex while rolling around in the surf like Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr in From Here to Eternity and just be done with it? Honestly, they should be to the point in their lives at which they’re getting rid of stuff, not accumulating more!

But being she’s a very good friend (so good, that she read and blessed this love letter to her before I posted it), I decided to kill two birds with one stone. I AM shedding stuff I’ve accumulated over the last 20+ years, so for Wedding #3 I’m sending her hockey sticks that my kids outgrew, Pokemon sippy cups with missing lids, and my Spode Christmas tablecloth with a gravy stain that looks like a menorah.

All of which will look great on her dining room table with that $75 dinner plate and those crystal knife rests that I already gave her.


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Stacy Dymalski is a stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage.

For more of Stacy’s comedy check out her hilarious book Confessions of a Band Geek Mom available in paperback and on Kindle on