Back in the day many mid 20th-century moms satisfied their unrequited needs (be they emotional, physical, or intellectual) by supplementing their daily intake with alcohol and pills. Today we have mommy porn, which admittedly is a lot cheaper and easier on your liver.

Case in point, last week a girlfriend and I went to see the new movie Magic Mike. The theatre was packed all the way down to the first row. And of all those people, I only counted three men. These brave guys were older and appeared to be the husbands of the women they were with. (I’m sure they were there by either threat or promise of something big later.) In fact, all the women in the audience were well over 35. A phenomenon I hadn’t seen since The Bridges of Madison County packed them in only to make every woman in American think that just maybe she married the wrong guy.

The reason for such a skewed demographic became apparent in the first 60 seconds of Magic Mike. I hadn’t even staked my claim to the armrests yet, when Channing Tatum strode across the screen in all his naked glory, looking like the poster boy for either Gold’s Gym or Photoshop. To say he was “just okay” is like saying the Victoria’s Secret catalogue is just a bunch of soccer moms dressed up for Halloween.

Seriously, you could’ve sharpened your garden tools on this guy’s abs, and cracked thunder eggs in his ass, he was so chiseled.

Now I know what you’re thinking; just another stupid chick flick. But au contraire, this was unadulterated middle-aged mommy porn. This movie has one goal and that’s to get the June Cleavers of the world to truly Leave It to Beaver when it comes to sparking some well-deserved happiness—even if it means picturing Matthew McConaughey in ass-less chaps as a stand-in for the guy you married.

Mommy Porn Goes Literary

Then we have the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon. For those of you who don’t get out much, it’s a book trilogy that makes us all realize the suburban mom sex life is the equivalent of a tuna noodle casserole. Yes, it may provide sustenance, but it doesn’t exactly set your taste buds on fire. However on the plus side, you can make it on a moment’s notice out of things you always have on hand and it’s easy to clean up.

Not to give anything away, but the sex scenes in 50 Shades of Grey are not exactly of the PTA variety, unless your PTA supports S & M High. That’s not to say that all middle-aged women want to get into S & M, however, reading about such bedroom antics apparently has lit a fire in middle America moms that we didn’t even realize was there, as pointed out in a hilarious Mother’s Day skit on Saturday Night Live (see it at the end of this post).

Quality Mommy Porn

Yes, I’m all for mommy porn, since I like fantasies as much as the next red-blooded American mom. So if mommy porn is a new phase in pop-culture, then I’m poised to reap the benefits. However, as tantalizing as mommy porn might be, for me it’s not the ultimate turn-on. I have to say nothing gets my juices flowing like a guy who knows how to fix everything from my car to my dishwasher to my watch (yes, I still wear a watch), and REALLY know what he’s doing. You know what they say, If we don’t find you handsome, we’d better find you handy. Although personally I prefer handsome AND handy.

And well-read. Because a little intellectual intercourse is just as hot as the regular kind. So any guy who knows who Kurt Vonnegut is and can discuss the political significance of Billy Pilgrim’s time traveling journey in Slaughterhouse-Five WHILE beating the pants off me in Scrabble because he knows what to do with his Q’s, has just made it to first base without even realizing it. (Second base comes when he installs new canister lighting without electrocuting himself.)

So in Magic Mike 2 I’d like to see Matthew McConaughey snake my drain while dancing in the buff to It’s Raining Men, and Christian Grey (in the next installment of 50 Shades of Grey) passionately discuss the pros and cons of health care reform while rubbing my feet.

Now THAT’s mommy porn.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Did you like this post? If so, please click on the banner below to vote for me as a Top Mommy Blogger on TopMommyBlogger.com. I don’t win anything except a higher search engine ranking, plus bragging rights to my kids that I’m not as dorky as they think. (Okay, well maybe I am that dorky, but at least I’ll be easier to find on the Web.)

Stacy Dymalski is a stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage.

For more of Stacy’s comedy check out her hilarious book Confessions of a Band Geek Mom available in paperback and on Kindle on Amazon.com.