As a humorous mommy blogger I read a lot of blog round-ups. Earlier in the week I saw this teaser on Café Mom:

I found my husband’s profile on a dating website!

Holy smokes, that got my attention! I know it’s like tuning into a reality show, but I couldn’t resist reading it. And sure enough, this poor woman accidentally found an e-mail addressed to her cheating husband from a dating website when she hopped on her husband’s e-mail program (on their home computer) to order pizza for the family. (Quick sidebar here, how could the cheating husband be so stupid as to use the same e-mail for covert dating that he uses on the family computer? Not that I advocate his behavior, but this kind of falls under the “Stupid Criminals” category.)

As you can imagine, everyone from marriage counselors to jilted wives weighed in on this wife’s dilemma (by way of the 1,400+ comments). Most of them displayed incarnadine anger, urging her to dump her cheating husband’s sorry ass.

I did not comment because the Flying Fickle Finger of Fate has taught me that you can’t judge a person’s behavior until you’ve been in the same situation. And even then I may not do the same thing as someone else given the exact same set of circumstances. Everybody’s different and each person has to do what’s right for his or her own state of affairs (so to speak).

So whatever this woman decides I’m sure it will be best for her and her family. And if not, then I’m sure it will be next time.

How Would I Handle a Cheating Husband?

If I were ever in this position, I’m fairly certain I’d make Cheating Husband twist in the wind regardless of how the story ultimately played out. I consider myself adept in the dark arts of creative deception (comes in handy as a writer), but up until this point I’ve always used my super powers for good instead of evil. However, in this extreme case, here’s what I’d like to THINK I would do.

• Open my own account on the same dating website under an assumed name (I’m thinking Trixie Swan would be a good dating handle)
• Insert a picture of some little-known, young, hot European model that makes Heidi Klum look like the lunch lady at San Quentin Prison (if that’s even possible)
• Contact Cheating Husband through the dating website as my alter ego and request we meet in a swanky hotel room (that Cheating Husband reserves on his credit card), with the promise of “hot monkey sex” if we hit it off within 10 minutes

I’d schedule our proposed “date” far enough in the future where he’d have to try to act normal at home around the kids and me, knowing the louse has a clandestine rendez-vous with some Euro-trash skank on Tuesday night. Then I’d make sure that something came up on Tuesday night (“Hey Honey, the kids have a school band concert on Tuesday opening for the Pope. Shall we go to Red Robin first?”) just so I could watch him sputter out the lamest excuses to get out of it.

Of course, being the understanding wife, I’d let Cheating Husband off the hook to so he could meet his boss for an important business dinner (or whatever). Then I’d round up a camera crew (probably four to six of my BFFs, all of whom happen to be very savvy with a video camera), get to our quiet little meeting place early, and sip champagne with my homeys until Mr. Wonderful arrives.

The Moment of Truth

When he knocks on the door, I’d turn off the lights and have one of my girlfriends purr, “Come in…” Once he was in the room I’d suddenly illuminate the place like Times Square to give Cheating Husband the surprise of his life. (And if he has a heart attack, oh well. At least he’s insured.) All caught on glorious HD, of course.

What an interesting YouTube video THAT would be, right? I bet it’d go viral faster than a venereal disease on a couples’ retreat for reconciling cheating spouses.

Truth be told I’m all talk. In reality, I’m not sure how I’d react if I ever ended up in this poor lady’s situation (I never have and I hope I never will). I’d probably bawl my eyes out and fall apart like a wet tissue until my girlfriends (God love ‘em) came along and talked me down from my misery. I’m guessing there’d be a lot of chocolate or alcohol (or both) involved.

But just in case, if you ever run across an impossibly beautiful German model on Match.com named Trixie Swan, I think it’d be in everybody’s best interest if you just passed her by.

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Stacy Dymalski is a stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage.

For more of Stacy’s comedy check out her hilarious book Confessions of a Band Geek Mom available in paperback and on Kindle on Amazon.com.